I had an ablation two weeks ago in Rochester. The surgery took nine hours and left me feeling like I was hit by a bus. It was the worst nine hours I don't remember of my life. The forty-seven medications I was on following at least kept me pre-occupied with my time. Of course, I was googling and reading blogs and joining support groups and googling more and chatting with people who have had similar stories just so I could find that confirmation I was looking for- "It is normal to feel like this after this type of procedure." I eventually found that answer and many more (some of which I could have done without) not from one individual or source, but from myself.
I'm never going to have this: "your chest pain will diminish in 16 days, your 6 lbs of water weight disapear in 4 days, your heart palpitations will last 3 months, you will need your second ablation in 3 years, and you will develop a slight leg twitch due to the medication you are on in your 31yst year of life."
I do have this: "at any specific point in time of my life I will have information and I will have an opportunity to make decisions. I can make best of it." That is the only answer,especially with such a rare disease.
When I initially started this blog, I knew this would change me. I knew that I would need "a change of heart; one without fear of uncertainty." What I didn't know was that in order to have a change of heart, I need a change of brain. I've had to hear some unsettling realities in the last six months and a change of thought process is mandatory to make any progress forward. Today I finally felt a step forward. I can't even remember where I saw the quote- probably facebook... one of the way too many support group walls I follow (i'm in support groups for diseases I don't even have?). The quote was this:
"Every day is a gift."
I bet 9 out of 10 of you have heard this. DEEP. MOVING. NOT. I remember seeing this on posters in my confirmation classroom. I've probably heard it 100 times and read it 1000 times in my life and and I've never fully processed the words, until today. Recently I've had a "slim glimpse" of what a miserable day could consist of, but today I actually felt the words. I am happy for today, I'm happy to feel good. No doctor, website, facebook page, or person could tell me that. Nor will they be able to tell me how I will be feeling in 6 months or six years. That is the reality and that is the answer. Today, I can finally relate with that all too common quote, and it feels good:)
